Trust

Recently I have had trust on my mind. Because of my current...obsessions? need to know? draw?...to it, I decided to do some research.

The first think I did was type "what is trust" into google. I was amazed that they had definitions for something like trust (I know, it's stupid that I didn't know).
The results that stuck out were, to have confidence or faith in, reliance - certainty based on past experience, believe - be confident about something, and confidence - a trustful relationship.
I went on to look for other definitions and found another that was more help.

Trust is both and emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness. Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner. In practice, trust is a bit of both. I trust you because I have experienced your trustworthiness and because I have faith in human nature. (changingminds.org)

Together, these two cites helped me understand that trust is being willing and open to believe the other person is telling the truth and won't take advantage of you.

I had never thought it could be so simple. Now, when I say "I trust you", I can be honest because I KNOW what I'm saying.

Nicole

Biblical Numbers

I thought that this was really interesting so I decided to share.

Numbers play a big part in our world; they tell us how much money we have or even how old we are. But did you know that they have biblical meanings too?

1 God
2 God and Man, Unity
3 The Trinity: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit
4 The Gospels: Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John
5 Grace
6 The number of man, sin
7 Perfection, God
8 The number of new beginnings
9 Holy Spirit; the gifts of the spirit and the fruits of the spirit
10 Ultimate blessings, being blessed 10 fold

These are just the beginning of the long list. Many numbers have important meanings.
One thing that my father, who taught me all this, does is pray a number.
He often will pray 8 over different people. It's a great way to really tune into the 9.

Nicole

Anxiety

Today I had a revelation on anxiety. I am in comprehensive medical terminology. One of my words this week is anxiety. As I was memorizing the deffinition, I realized that it applied to me.
There are so many places in my life where I worry. I don't fear animal and I'm comfortable even walking alone at night but I still fear many other things.
I worry about my best friend getting married, about how I physically look, about paying for college, and I worry about being alone forever.
I know that these things are not worthy of my worry. God is there and he can free me of all these things. I just have to release them to Him and trust Him to take care of them.
As soon as I was able to relax in God, and trust Him to take care of everything, my migraine went away.
God is amazing and he's there for the little things and the big.
Just trust Him.
Nicole

This Last Summer

This last summer was my first year working in Alaska. I left Seattle, WA on June 3rd. After several hours of flight, I arived in Ancorage before boarding another, smaller plane, and flying to Dillingham, AK.
I worked in the Egg House where we took Salmon roe and processed and packaged the caviar.
I really enjoyed my time there...mainly because of the people I was able to meet.
It was like a miniature world. There were people from the Philippines, China, Bulgaria, Mexico, Turkey, Columbia, Japan, and not to mention from all over the US.
I did have to learn some things the hard way. There is mainly college age kids there; all trying to pay their way through school...like what I'm doing. So there were some (awesome) parties and a more than enough drinking.
This summer really taught me a lot more than I thought. I learned about drinking, the fishing industry, and more about my family.
Dillingham is somewhat special to me because I have so much family there. My Uncle and Aunt, my dads cousin, and a few of my other first cousins, all work their every summer. I was able to connect with some family I never really had ever been around.

I really had to focus on God to get through this summer. I made some mistakes but I also learned from them.
Thanks God for the amazing opportunity and the path You've put me on.
Nicole

A Bike Trip to Remember

So a few months back, before my dad left for Alaska (a post on that to come), while we were driving home to Raymond from Portland, I noticed a path. This path were once train tracks that led from Chehalis to Raymond. I commented at the time I noticed them, that it would be fun to backpack to Chehalis using the trail. Well we didn't go backpacking: we went biking.



Last week I asked my brother if he would be interested in biking to Pe Ell and back with me (Pe Ell is half way to Chehalis). An almost 60 Mile ride round trip. He agreed. Well we started out yesterday morning with the intent of going round trip. We had water, sandwiches, and plan of scheduled stops. We also expected paved paths and some smoother graveled parts (Oxymoron, I know).

About one mile into our trip it changed from pavement to gravel. Within the next mile it became half-dollar sized rocks. The amount, size, and thickness of the gravel controlled our speed and about five miles into the trip we both realized that we were not going to make it all 60 miles. We decided to change to just reaching Pe Ell and then we'd have our mom come pick us up. Again, we changed our minds.

We reached a point in the trail when we decided to call our mom. The path had turned to grass and fist sized rocks. We walked about two miles, and across two bridges that we probably shouldn't have crossed, when the path once again ran beside the highway and we called our mom.


We had gone 20 miles.


After carrying the bikes up the side of a hill to the road (actually Garrison, my brother, carried the bikes), we waited for our mom to bring the truck and get us.


It was a great ride that my brother and I enjoyed. I had pushed myself to the limit of what I was physically able to do. And I had done something I didn't think I would actually do even when I imagined my self backpacking the same stretch. As pained as I am from the workout, I'm very glad I was able to spend the time with my brother and finish something I doubted I would do.




I had had doubts, even the night before we left, that I would do it. That we would even actually do the planned ride. In a way, it was like a dream come true. So thank you, Garrison. Thanks for being so kind along the path, for putting up with me, and for just caring.

Nicole

More Changes

So I haven't written in over three months. It seems like so much has happened.
My 17 year-old brother left home because he didn't like the rules our family had and now realizes that we didn't have that many rules.
Because we shut down the church we had (because of my brother and more), my family (what's left of us) moved in with my grandfather and his wife.
I'm going to be working in Alaska this summer to pay my way through college (btw, I dropped out when I left Portland).
I'm driving over two hours every week because I have a temp job in Vancouver.
I'm so sad because I never get to see my friends from Portland.
However, that's changing cause I'll have more time to be with my friends in Portland (now that I work there 5 days a week).
Now I realize that I was addicted to having a secret from my parents. I didn't love him. I wanted something different and new. And he was. But I was stupid. I hurt him and I hurt me because of him. I really learned because of the time I had doing the wrong thing. It was one time I had to learn for myself; something that doesn't happen often.

Over all of this, I'm glad I've changed. I hope it's for the better. I pray it is. Through all of this I have had to have more faith and patience and longsuffering...and it just continues. Never think that it can't get any better, cause it can. It doesn't seem like that is the point but it really is. Things can always get better, you just don't know it yet.

Nicole

Love

Recently I heard this great thing from a friend and I want to share it with you all.
"Love makes you stronger and drives you to build. Addiction makes you weak and drives you to destroy."
Now think about it, are there places in your life that you have thought that you love something you are really addicted to? How can you tell? Does it make you better or worse? Is your life falling apart? Or is it becoming better?
Just something to think about, Nicole

Sorry

So I haven't really kept up and for that I'm sorry.
Recently I've been going through stressful times and for me, that means a lot of headaches and migraines. For other people it can mean a lot of physical things or it could mean more emotional stuff. I just want to encourage everyone who is having a hard time deciding what to do about it to pray. Trust God. I'm always being told that stress is a result of not trusting so Lord, I pray you help me learn to trust you more. Amen. Nicole

Changes

This blog has always been about my issues and the way I work through them. My thoughts are about changing that. I believe that I will use this blog as both; partly the way I work through things and partly just a way to get myself out there.
So here is an issue kind of thing.
When I was around age 15 I decided that I wanted to go by my middle name, Nicole, when I reached age 18. I told everyone that was my plan. I gave the reasons that my first name, Rashell, is hard for people to say and spell. When I turned 17, I started college. From day one, I went by the name Nicole. I figured that it would be easier even if it was a year early. The change didn't really happen till last winter. I had to explain my reasons so much, I began to question them. I realized, after some help, that I was changing names because I was changing. I left the old me behind; I wanted it to be my major change that made me into an adult. I thought of Rashell as a child and Nicole as the mature adult. Rashell was a child spiritually who was undisciplined in spiritual things and took advantage of the time she had and Nicole was the perfect person.
Now I know that's not the case.
I haven't really changed. Yes I go by a different name but I'm the same me. I act almost the same; the difference is that I've matured. I'm trying to say that just because you change one thing like your name, it's not really going to change you. Example: Just because you put corn label on a can of beans doesn't mean that it's a can corn; it's still beans with a different name. That's all I did. I had hoped that it would change me but now I realize that I have to do more than that to change.
So thanks for reading,
Nicole

God's the Leader

So...I'm sorry it's been so long. No excuses; I just haven't cared enough.
This is a poem I literally just wrote for my dad's birthday tomorrow. I sat down and waited for God to tell me what I should say. This is what He gave me (and I hope he doesn't read it before I give him the card).

Through all the days,
and all the years,
there are things
that have remained clear.

Your love is true,
your faith is strong,
your heart is for
Him first of all.

And through it all,
I know it's clear,
you're the best
both far and near.

I love you more
than words can say,
Happy Birthday,
I'm here to stay.

It's not easy and
you're not weak;
but keep believing,
in Him you seek.

He knows the path,
and guides your way;
follow His voice,
and you'll know the way.

I hope this speaks to you as much as it speaks to me and hopefully to my Dad tomorrow.
Thanks for reading,
Nicole